To the one who is scared to walk away -

I was looking through my notes app where I write about 90% of my poems, and book entries. I came across a poem that i wrote in July of 2017. It made me so damn sad, and so grateful for the person I now am. If you are new to my website, or my story, or any part of my life then this will seem a bit unreal. I was in a long term abusive marriage and was lucky enough to pull myself out of it. I wrote this one month before I handed him divorce papers the first time. Back then I used to write as a release for everything I was going through. It replaced the alcohol I used to endlessly consume to numb the pain. Normally I do not go back and read through my unpublished work, because that’s where the darkness tends to still live. Because even though I am out of that situation and living a healthier happier life full of love, I cant forget that this part of me existed. It created me in a way, it showed me how strong I could be and how determined I am. I KNOW that I am no longer that girl, but a part of her is still inside of me. She is a reminder of where I once was, how far I have come, and the message of hope, and a beacon of light I can be for other people who are going through, or have gone through what I have been through. So please, read these words with caution, if they resonate with you in any way possible, know that you are strong enough to walk away, the pain you feel won’t always be that way. The anger you feel towards that person and the shame and guilt you feel towards yourself will eventually fade.

Forgive yourself. Make a plan. and walk away. Someone, somewhere is willing to help, and if you cant find anyone who understands what you are going through, know you have me.

I don’t care if I have never met you before, or if we haven’t spoken in years.

I AM HERE FOR YOU.

— July 27, 2017 @ 1:05pm

i stand here 

petrified 

because i have a testimony

see on the outside 

i'm your average 20 something year old 

female

i like the basic things in life

like a good cup of coffee

an addicting show on Netflix and 

a fresh new pair of uggs in the fall time

but what you would not know is that on the inside i am broken

i became a victim to my own subconscious 

i was fighting a war against myself

i was looking for arms to embrace me —

and the first set was yours

i was looking to fill a void

with a human touch

with warm skin

with you

i jumped in head first

a shot gun wedding

it was as if i was blacked out 

drunk

and i woke up with a ring on my finger 

a hang over that i didn't know 

would last 7 years

the spiral went down hill 

the more i wanted you in my system

the more toxic you became

i was in a constant state of inebriation 

reality became a blur 

the bags under my eyes became dark

hollow circles 

at the same time a dark hollow began to fill my heart to match

i let it control me

i let the pain turn into anger

and anger turning into spite

the things that happened between us

the lies i told to keep you safe

i compromised and i forgave

and all though i myself, am not a saint

i....

i...

i didn't deserve that

and you didn't deserve me

we pretended for so long 

and now and again we still do

i thought about ending myself 

before i ever thought about 

ending things with you

his words were like tiny paper cuts 

i couldn’t see them but i knew that if i moved the wrong way,

they were there to remind me of how bad it hurt

i ran out of bandaids so much that 

after a while i just let myself bleed

because at least feeling the pain 

meant that i was still alive

this was the darkest time of my life

they say that people change with age

they grow and mature

in our case we simply became bitter

he and i tossed the past aside 

as we always did.