the end of something is just the beginning of something new

With September starting in less than 24hours (holy shit where did the time go?) I woke up today and realized I am having a hard time processing change right now. I am usually on to the next thing, the next goal, and the next checkmark on my list of shit to accomplish that I never really allow myself the time and space to just be. How many of us are like this though - we are go go go, and then when we are forced to just be on pause our minds still race, our anxiety goes through the roof, being triggered by everything and nothing, and the next thing you know you’re rearranging your apartment and getting rid of shit for the 5th time this year. I think that’s one of the things that being in quarantine was meant to teach us, stillness. I think to myself DAMN This year has flown by, but what have I actually done, what have I accomplished, what has taken place that is worthy of recognition (these are all thoughts I have probably 3 to 4 times a week, and I know I can’t be alone). I have woken up a couple of days this past week and thought to myself - what the fuck is the point? what is this all for? what is my purpose and what am I doing. I’ve worked through this in therapy but just because you go to therapy that doesn’t mean you’re healed, or that you magically don’t have to deal with all of the intrusive thoughts that go on in your head. So to try and combat that, aside from calling my friends and having a meltdown that includes them needing to talk me out of yet another midlife crisis - I create a good mantra that I can repeat to myself when shit gets a bit cloudy and One of the mantras I have been working on lately is “let go of what if and be in the what is”. I am a control freak, I do not enjoy the unknown, I hate when things don’t go according to plan and I hate absolutely hate feeling like a failure. But I know I am not a failure and neither are you, plans can change and that’s okay. But the more I understand myself the more I realize that I have never been good in the waiting periods of life, the times of stillness, and the moments that need to be cherished that are right in front of me. A lot of that does stem from me wanting to be in control and make shit happen now.

So I wrote this as a reminder to myself and I hope it helps you today, if you’re feeling like this - yes I tend to have a problem waiting in the progress- because to me in those moments it feels like time was standing still like we are on a hamster wheel going and going and nothing is happening. I can’t expect change to happen overnight, or progress to immediately go into profit. I have to nurture myself and know that there is value in this part of the journey. you’re laying down the foundation right now and you can’t simply bypass this part of rush through it because if the foundation is weak then everything else is going to crumble in the long term. so have grace for yourself at this moment, know that you’re doing incredible and even if it’s just a small step forward it’s still a step. you can’t rush it, whatever it is for you. I’m proud of you. it’s going to happen, whatever you’re planning will come to fruition. 

I have read this a couple of times to remind myself that I’m safe in this space I’m occupying right now.

So shout out to you today

for waking up

for choosing to get out of bed

for deciding that you want to try again, for reminding yourself that you’re okay

for releasing what no longer serves you

for taking that deep breath in

for allowing yourself to feel

for valuing your worth

I know some days are hard, and maybe today is a difficult one for you. But in this upcoming month, and with the seasons changing, allow yourself the space to change too, without feeling guilty for wanting to, without needing to seek validation and permission. I hope that all the things you are seeking coming to your effortlessly, and that the pain you have been harboring eases as the days go by. You are so loved and valued.

Till next week. I love you with purpose and on purpose. I’m glad you exist