To myself, on the eve of my 28th year -
+ Just like that…another year passed by.
Being 27 was probably the most challenging age like…EVER. Mind you I was gone for like 96% of the year because of work. Which was one of the biggest blessings for me because it allowed me to really reflect on who I want to become and all the things that I want to accomplish in my life. I realized that I am a huge empath and I tend to silence what I really want in order to please other people. I have always been one to try and keep the peace in order to avoid confrontation and that is something that I want to work on this next year.
Here are a couple of things I learned during my 27th year —
We spend so much time looking at the bigger picture of things that we forget to realize all of the little details that make the journey worthwhile. I stopped living in the moment and appreciating the seasons.
Being sad is okay and depression happens. Happiness is a state of mind that we can fall in and out of. It is okay to be in that moment and feel what you need to feel but staying there and dwelling isnt good for your health. If you need help then reach out for it, closing yourself off from the world will only make things worse.
Comparison is a killer. We spend so much of our time trying to be like the people we idolize forgetting that they probably go through their own issues that they have to deal with and problems because just like us they are human too. So stop sitting there wishing you were like them, and putting yourself down in the process.
Now that I am about to be 28
I want to focus on changing my mindset about a lot of things. This is my first time really being on my own ( in a relationship stand point ) and I need to take time to really focus on me and who I want to become and what I want to do in life. When I was younger I always had a goal in mind of being pregnant when I turned 28, being in a happy and stable relationship and wanting to experience life to the fullest. And now that 28 is here and those things arent in my horizon anytime soon I feel a bit overwhelmed and lost in it all. Im not saying that I put on this front of having it all together but I am human and I have my own insecurities, I am a bit of a control freak and I like to know what is happening before it happens and I know that isnt realistic and that is something that I need to work on. I want to embrace this new year and the changes that I are to come whatever they may be. I think I am writing this blog post more for myself to get all of my feelings out and emotions and not so much as a message to other people who might be reading this. I think it will serve as a reminder to myself when I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious. So here is what I want - well need to work on for myself.
Being a people pleaser to avoid confrontation — When I was in Vegas for new years Connie said something to me that honestly hit me like a brick. We were in front of Nobu the sushi restaurant and I really wanted to eat there but the wait was a bit long for the table and she didn’t want to wait and we started to walk away instead of me saying that I wanted to stay and eat there I just went along and started to leave with her. We ended up going back because I saw two seats at the bar that were open and it was full menu service up there BUT she said “You need to start speaking up for what you want, you could have told me you wanted to stay and wait and it would have been fine but you just went along with whatever I wanted to”. I need to start speaking up for what I want and say fuck it, if they dont like it then oh well, I need to do what I want ( you know as long as I dont hurt or harm anyone in the process of trying to get there ).
Getting over being such a fucking empath. I soak up other people’s emotions like a damn sponge. I mean having empathy for others feelings is important but not to the point where I shouldnt tell others how I feel about something to avoid confrontation or feeling guilty.
This one is really random BUT I have this weird obsession with needing to step on the scale every damn day, well honestly I dont think it is that weird because I know a lot of people who do it. Anyways, this past year I lost a lot of weight and the weight I put on was contributed to the fact that I was an emotional eater because I was depressed and unhappy with life so I would stuff my face with snacks to fill a void. So I am so scared that I am going to wake up and all the weight that I lost will just magically reappear on my body and I will have to start over. And now I know that sounds crazy but all of year 28 I am not stepping on a scale and I dont want to have an unhealthy relationship with my body.
More time home — now I know this one will be hard because my job is literally 95% traveling but I just mean being at home and alone more. Last year I was home maybe 2 ish months the whole year and it was a lot on my body and my mind. And it really felt like I was taking all of these personal trips to escape what was really going on in my life, and the things that I need to deal with, and sitting down writing this has helped me realize that. SO besides the two trip I have already planed for 2019 I wont be making any more trips besides those. If someone wants to see me then they have a place to stay at my house but I am not by any means going outside of this to see anyone, because I love yall but that shit is exhausting trying to make an effort to see others all the time and spending so much time and money traveling. Which leads me into my next one…
Better money management —I know some of yall dont want to hear about this but like I said before this blog post is more about me than anyone else. I know that some of the circumstances in my finance were due to my divorce and needing to get an attorney and pretty much refurnishing my house because I gave him pretty much everything since he moved out…BUT there is no need for me to buy every damn cute shoe I see on StockX or always going out to do things when I am perfectly capable of chilling at home and cooking my own meals.
WRITING — this one is major for me, because I miss it so much…being consistent with this is something I want to accomplish this year. Even if it is just a small blog post, writing down my feelings, or a poem here and there. I need to do it for my mental clarity and for myself.
Being a Voice — this is something that has been on my mind lately and I am not too sure how to word this but I feel like I can be a positive influence on others but I need to practice what I preach in a way. I want to focus more on empowering myself and focusing on what I want to be for myself so that I can help others in the process of it all.
I am gonna leave this here on that note because my train of thought is gone, but thats the jyst of what I had on my mind.