To the one who survived an abusive relationship -
Only a handful of people know why…
Why I decided to write, why I continued to write and why I published what has got to be the darkest and most vulnerable parts of myself to the world.
I have written about how The Closet Poets came to be, and how I got a co-author and the excitement behind it all.
BUT not many know of the experiences that brought those poems to light.
I have hesitated so much in writing this, I started this post while I was deployed this summer. I don’t even know if I will share it with those who are on my social media site because I don’t want anyone to think I am playing the victim, or placing blame on others and that was why I got a co-author to begin with…He wasn’t supportive of that journey whatsoever. One of the most exciting times of my life and I couldn’t share it with him because he felt as though I was doing it to hurt him, and the whole world would look at him differently,
as the monster in all of the words on the pages, yet all of those poems were stemmed from real things I experienced with him.
In that same breath though, I feel like there are so many people who can relate to the deeper meaning
and the bigger, scarier, more vulnerable part of myself that I locked up for so long.
I got married super young, I was 19 years old. Fresh out of a break up that I thought would last forever, with someone who I couldn’t hold back from seeing out his dream of going to college to follow me around while I was in the military. It was my first time away from home and I knew no one except one person that I went to tech school with and she was in a relationship herself.
So there I am..I found myself in this new and unfamiliar territory and I just wanted to feel secure and safe. Not knowing what being in the military would be like, never being alone, and had no sense of who I was.
See my parents always told me (mostly my dad) that most girls who join the military get married super-fast and I was like nope, that won’t be me…I am going to live life, travel the world and be independent. I had issues that I needed to work out and I absolutely hated being alone, I didn’t know how to be by myself, or honestly what it meant to figure out what I truly wanted out of life, because at 19 years old…
who the hell honestly knows.
That’s when I met him.
Things moved fast, it was all a blur. We met, we had fun, he was like a security blanket and I latched on like it was a drug. I think I fell into a deep infatuation, and it honestly could have been anyone but he just happened to be the first person I met, the first one to show me attention and fill the void of all the things I was missing. Next thing I know we are dating and
not even a month into it all we talked about getting married.
There were signs, I saw them and I ignored them. ALL OF THEM. I figured I was an “adult” now and I knew what was best for me, so like any 19-year-old I said fuck it I know this is real love and I am going to make this work to prove everyone wrong.
I remember the day we were getting married, there was a little bit of excitement like any woman would have about their big day – we fought so much that day, I was taking too long doing my hair – that was an issue for him. I wore a black dress – instead of a white one. My parents weren’t on board with it – I felt like they were hypocrites because they got married after knowing each other for 2 weeks and they at the time were married for almost 20 years and made it through any and every obstacle. All my friends kept saying don’t do it – I felt like they were just mad and jealous about me finally finding happiness in my life. Honestly before we even got “engaged” we had broken up at least twice and got back together. The worst part was I was even having doubts about it, but I felt like I was too deep into it already to back out.
Well, I went through with it…he was supposed to be deploying three days later and that’s why we moved the wedding date up so soon. He convinced me it was easier for us to be married so I was in my own place while he was gone.
THEN THE DEPLOYMENT GOT CANCELLED AND I WAS FORCED WITH THE REALITY OF BEING MARRIED
AND NOT KNOWING WHO I WAS MARRIED TO.
Before I go on let me throw this out there… I was emotionally unstable, I have abandonment issues, I was extremely insecure, and my version of communication at the time was either shutting down or crying and yelling until I could somehow get my point across, and all I wanted to do was make it work no matter what it took. And I am not sharing this to paint anyone in a bad light, I don’t think he is a bad person –
we both had things internally that we needed to work out.
The first 6 months of marriage was NOT a fairytale, I don’t know who invented the whole idea of “The Honeymoon Phase” because for me that wasn’t the case. It was more like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. We fought every damn day, it was like no matter what I did it wasn’t enough, I would try and I would fall short and I am sure it had to do with the fact that we were using each other to fill the void of not being with our exes any more, not knowing who we were, + rushing into the marriage blindly.
I would drink every single night, it didn’t matter what kind of alcohol it was, if I could numb myself to the point of blacking out. We would fight, have sex and pretend like it never happened. Repeatedly.
So, I would grab the bottle, grab a pen and write until I would fall asleep and do it all over again the next day.
I knew marriage would be hard but I was holding onto the fantasy of happily ever after without the reality of what it meant to work things out. Every argument would be left unhandled — so it would just fester up inside of me. Do you know how hard it is to want someone to love you so badly and not get that feeling in return, I would immediately start to think about how my biological father just stopped caring when I was about 8 or 9 years old and just sink into that feeling of not being worthy of love, or deserving it. I remember one time he told the reason that he treated me the way that he did was because I wasn’t her. Her, was his ex. So, I tried harder, to be like her to give him what he gave her. I would dress up and try to look good on days when I had the energy to do so and I would quickly get shut down by him and he would call me names and say I was trying too hard to make him look bad by dressing up. It was so disheartening to hear that, so I tried harder and he pushed back. So I tried harder.
I would yell and cry and then grab a bottle. I was 20 years old with a drinking problem with a husband who I felt didn’t love me.
It got so bad that it became violent, there was a party New Year’s Eve. Of course, we were both drinking and I don’t remember what lead to us arguing but he stormed out of the party and I followed him, we were both drunk and we got in the car. I begged him to stop driving and turn the car around and he kept driving and I grabbed the wheel and he swerved. We ended up in front of a church in town, he yelled at me to get out of his car, so when I wouldn’t he opened my side of the door and dragged me out of the car and I pushed him and hit him and he beat me in front the church. I remember crying and being on the ground thinking what the fuck has my life come to. Then he picked me up put me back in the car, said he was sorry and he loved me and we went back to the party like nothing happened. LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. You would think that would have been a clear sign to leave, but nope there I was taking pictures like I was happy and in love. That’s when the cycle started and the physical abuse began. I told myself that it was alright, that it wouldn’t happen anymore, I made excuses for why he did it to me, that it was all my fault and that I was the one who lead him to do those things to me.
I had seriously convinced myself that I was the problem.
That’s what happens when you think you love someone, you put up with the most ridiculous shit. I would go to work with absolutely no sleep, still drunk and eyes heavy from not sleeping and crying all night. People would ask and I would lie, and lie some more. I told my best friend and she would listen time and time again and I would tell her that I couldn’t give up that it would be better, it had to get better. He found out and I wasn’t allowed to be friends with her anymore, and then I would start lying to him about where I was going and who I was with just so I could hang out with her and anyone else who would make me feel like I had support even though 99% of people wouldn’t know what I was going through.
That’s when I started defending myself and fighting back. Then we would kiss and make up like it never happened. This was my marriage, this was my normal – bruises and crutches, chipped teeth and emotional drinking. He would hurt me and then “take care” of me. But I didn’t care, whatever it took to make it seem like I had it all together. That’s when my drinking became more of a problem and I blacked out one night and couldn’t go to work, at that point I had to stop drinking, I knew I had a problem and became dependent on the alcohol.
FAST FORWARD -
We got orders to England. I had always wanted to go to London and visit and now we were moving there. The excitement quickly faded when I realized that my support system would no longer be there. I couldn’t talk to my parents out of shame because I would call them crying about my problems and then turn around and be like “oh we are fine now” and “i’m okay” even though I was not the least bit okay. BUT I just couldn’t be a quitter, I still had it in me to make things work no matter how low and depressed I became.
2012-2013 things got really bad within myself, I was depressed and my anxiety and panic attacks were getting to an all-time high. I contemplated taking my own life multiple times. I would tell him I wasn’t okay and his response “Well, I am fine so that’s on you”.
I would pop pills and started drinking heavily again, write till my hand would cramp up and then pretend like nothing happened. I was still unhappy with my life, I had no idea who I was anymore. I was a walking zombie, and I would cherish the good times we had like they were my last breath and continue telling myself that those times outweighed the bad. I portrayed this perfect little life on social media as if I wasn’t truly dying on the inside. I was so good at hiding everything, making excuses for everything that was wrong with me and
covering up for the man who “loved” me. I wasn’t “allowed” to do anything and even if I tried to go to McDonalds with one of my friends it was an issue and after awhile I just shut myself out from the world, and handled my depression and anxiety the best way I knew how to…by shutting down emotionally and mentally. Was this the healthiest way to cope...probably not but at the time it was the best way I knew how to without actually trying to get the help I needed for my issues
. When we got back to the states in 2015 things seemed to get better, the physical abuse stopped but the emotional side of things were still terrible. I tried to go to therapy to help with my anxiety about everything but at the time he worked at the hospital I was seeking treatment at and blew up thinking I would say something to get him into trouble and have people talking shit about him and our relationship, so he decided to go through my file to make sure that I did not spill any incriminating about him. Here I was trying to put myself slowly back together and work on myself and the one place I felt like I could be private and deal with my issues to maybe try and make things better, he found a way to make it all worse. Thats when things spiraled out of control in my head and I ended up in the hospital with a self induced anxiety attack and got put on medication for depression and insomnia.
That’s when I started to realize that things honestly were not going to get better…it seriously took me getting admitted into a hospital to realize this. At that point he had put me through so much, but the action of him invading my headspace was too much to handle. So I started hinting at wanting a divorce, and for years he had always told me that he would simply sign the papers and be done, yet every time I mentioned leaving him, he would pull the “suicide” card, tell me that I didn’t care about him and he would be better off dead and gone. I can’t tell you how many times I have called the suicide hotlines, left work and tried to get him help after expressing how I didn’t want to be married to him anymore because he would do that. I didn’t want that on my conscience and part of me knew that he was playing mind games with me and manipulating me but I refused to have someone else’s life on my hands.
I was the one who never had the balls to actually go to the court and pick up a packet and hand it to him, until I finally did. I brought them home, and they sat in my car for weeks, something inside of me still couldn’t hand him the papers…I was honestly scared he would hurt himself or me. One morning we were coming home from the gym before work and he said something to me and I lost my shit and started crying and yelling. I walked out to my car, grabbed the papers, put them on the kitchen counter and told him “Here are the papers, sign them” and went to the shower. I was balling my eyes out, I couldn’t breathe and I was just numb. He came in and started calling me a coward, and how I was a quitter and how he didn’t believe in divorce. [ALL OF A SUDDEN HE DIDN’T BELIEVE IN DIVORCE ], Questioning how I could go to church every week and call myself a Christian, yet want a divorce. I got out of the shower to get ready for work and scattered all over the living room was the divorce papers ripped up in pieces. I just walked over them and proceeded to get ready for work. Later that day he showed up to my job with some flowers and a card to “apologize”, typical him.
At that point I needed a plan, a way out, and I needed to get away from everything and everyone. That’s when I started looking for jobs that I could deploy with and go overseas for a bit, and save money to pay for an attorney to help me get the divorce. I didn’t want a repeat of last time. Crazy part is that he was the one who actually sent me the job posting for my current job, then got pissed off when I got hired on because of how much I would have to travel. I didn’t care anymore, I was emotionally disconnected, and I needed to leave. —
If you have made it this far into this blog post…I finally filed for divorce as of October 2018.
I am no longer living in emotional distress and walking on egg shells, and repairing all of these wounds has been a slow process but I am getting there. The entire process thus far has been exhausting and mentally draining, but I am so much happier with myself and by myself.
There are always two sides to every story, everyone has faults and flaws in relationships, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be a living nightmare. And if you read this and you are that abusive person, man or woman it doesn’t matter…JUST STOP, walk away and work on yourself. There is no reason anyone should feel trapped in a relationship because of it.
Your past isn’t a reason to be a shitty human being either.
If you are —
going through something like this or know anyone who is please know that you have the courage to get out, it might take awhile and you might not want to walk away for whatever reason but please think about your safety and your mental health. It does NOT matter if it is mental, physical, or emotional abuse…it is ALL abuse. Manipulation is abuse, control is abuse, all of it plays a toll on your psyche. You are not a bad person, what is happening to you is not something you deserve or some twisted form of karma. You are a human, you deserve respect, you deserve to be loved and feel loved unconditionally. If you are reading this and feel like you have no one who understands or can relate please reach out to me, I am here for you, I have lived through all of it, I know what it feels like to want to keep pushing and trying and you just keep hitting that same wall. If I can help just one person, then sharing my truth was worth it.
My apologies:
To all the ones —
I have lied to, shut out and strayed from over the last 8 year, I am genuinely so sorry. You didn’t deserve to worry about me as much as you did only to have me shut you out to protect him. To the ones who have stuck by my side knowing the little bit that you did know, and allowed me to figure it out on my own time and loved me through it all…thank you. Your constant support and love saved my life, your words have eased my soul throughout it all.
To my soon to be ex-husband —
I forgive you for it all, I cannot keep harboring all this resentment and hate towards you when I allowed myself to remain in this relationship for as long as I did. In the end this was just one big ass lesson to learn from. You taught me everything I do not want in a relationship, you taught me about all the warning signs to look for, you ultimately showed me how strong of a person I can be. I hope you find peace in yourself, and I pray that you never push another person to feel the way that you made me feel. I hope you know that I did love you and I cared for you way more than you deserved to be cared for.
To my ex-in laws —
Thank you for welcoming me into your family with open arms and caring for me, you have all been nothing but kind and loving towards me. I apologize for lying to you when you confronted me about the things you heard, but I couldn’t bare to have you look at your son in that way.
To everyone who “knew” our relationship and mutual friends —
Please do not go towards him in a different light, or treat him in any kind of malicious way. Our relationship has nothing to do with whatever friendship you have with him and that has absolutely nothing to do with the way he is with you and those around him. And if you chose to see me in a different way, take sides, or chose to think that all of this is a ploy to make him seem like the bad person or what have you…
then that is perfectly fine with me.